Working on commission

The first was a jeweller with more staff than bemused punters led through the deliberate maze layout. Second was during the included lunch, where paintings made by teams of automatons were auctioned to deaf ears. At the Garden and we were offered a 30 minute ride around for 200Y, no thanks. Fourth and an inevitable tea house tried to seduce morons with expensive oversized tea-fashioned coin-shaped offerings; 12800Y definitely seems a fair price. Fifth came as exiting the tea house we were told to either buy something from the hugely inflated shop, or find our own way home. Sixth and a perfumery supposedly selling all major fashionable brands offered us "water of toilet", which is indeed most likely where the fakes were sourced.

All but one of our party of seven refused the tat on offer; walking in as short a path, through the cynically laid out shops to the exit as possible. This fellow hailing from Beijing clearly wanted to show off with his large roll of 100Y notes, splurging on three boxes of the aforementioned tea. The couple from Xiamen refused despite persistence, the Hong Konger siblings were ignored and we were shunned for finding the whole charade rather amusing. Fits of giggles aside – wait, I recall paying twelve quid for a tour to the Rock Gardens outside of Kunming, which included a foot massage; so why are we visiting so many other places first? "You were supposed to spend at least 20 minutes in there!", the tour guide complains at the jewellers, as we all realise honesty is not to her favour and she is clearly working on commission.

I've only had one other tour in China, where all else has been self-sufficient. And for good reason too; back then and the same "tea house" hard sell was invisibly hidden in the itinerary. Here though it was a calculated risk; the garden is around 60k away and with expensive transport and a 150Y entrance fee, this was the best choice. It's a blessing that the mere hour we spent looking at jagged rock formations was enough, as that's all she allocated in the 8 hours total we were subjected to hard selling tactics.

Many words can describe this kind of behaviour; disgraceful, unbelievable, shocking, ridiculous – though I prefer the following: Expected. Expect to be treated like a walking cash cow, udders brimming with sweet tasty ¥uan milk that the locals all desire so much. It's not just Lao Wei that are treated this way; Chinese are subjected to the same harassment when on tour; same same. And so it was that as a group, us 6 decided to band together and traverse the much worn Kunming to Shangri La trail for the next few weeks: Safety in numbers after all.

But back to the Garden; where after pushing us so much all day, the extremely hiked 200Y car fee is rebutted by all (tea man hasn't made his purchase yet), and so off we go on foot. Good thing too; the route skirts the circumference, missing just about everything of note in the middle and showing all the manmade perimeter attractions instead. That explains our guide's annoyance at having to, well, guide us through. The conclusion of the day and I'm still questioning new friends when the massage might occur; we stand around shrugging shoulders to each other as the guide boards our bus and sneakily departs without us – taking tea man with her. Acceptable behaviour this is not and I hope she heard me: "Xiao ni ma!" So two pieces of advice; firstly never take a tour in China and secondly should you decide to, always do the opposite of what your guide says.


Back to Kunming and there's plenty to see by ourselves, especially as the local buses are only a few kuai (slang for yuan - similar to quid), a ride. The Green Lake Park is just that and worth a squint, Yuantong Temple is home to floating carcasses of Turtles and Terapins that litter the presumably poisoned murky waters (I seem to remember Buddhism saying something about respect to all forms of life?), and Daguanlou features a fairground with perhaps the shortest rollercoaster in history; 26.3 seconds for a single lap and you’re done. Someone call Guinness.

10 things I love about China

With so many things not quite making the grade; driving for example, or incessant scamming (and I mean literally everywhere you turn), on a lighter note, here are the things I’ll miss when departing. You can’t have yin without yang after all:

10) Maths
Some basic arithmetic from a meal we shared in Dali: 10+8+18+12+10=? Let’s make it multiple choice to simplify matters: (a) 44 (b) 36 (c) 48 (d) 50. Grab the calculator, you know you want to – it’s easier and quicker. Not really – I think I can add up pretty well and I’d bloody well hope so too; though the education system in China is clearly a little behind and hence the calculator business must be thriving. Similarly, occasionally it’s possible to pull one back and profit from a miscalculation; be it incorrect keystroke or mental arithmetic, every little helps. So double check every bill – indeed every line item if you can read them – to ensure accuracy. Every now and then though, you’ll find a little bonus when receiving change. Take it and run.


9) Food
My life is a world of GPS coordinates; of Hotels, Hostels, P.O.Is and eateries I’ve found. Apart from making sure it’s almost impossible to get lost (subject to a charged battery), it means I can mark down the best places to eat and go back if nothing else can be found. Very hit and miss, with some establishments choosing default “rip the foreigner off” stance as you enter, occasionally – very occasionally – you’ll find somewhere so surprising that it rivals the best that Thailand has to offer (the best food on planet Earth by a long way). It’s a little like finding gold dust, being pricked by the elusive needle in a rather obese stack of hay; or catching that tricky little green Irish sod and nabbing his pot of treasure. Should you manage to stumble across a delectable eatery, delight in the tender steak, chicken pieces, morning glory or dumplings on offer for less than a quid a dish. (Said restaurant in Zhang-thingy being: 29°7.722, 110°28.858 for those with Google Earth)



8) Scenery
6 months of yawn-inducing Temples and what’s left? Incredible karst cliffs, limestone formations and winding rivers aggressively heading to fill the nearest lake or sea: China’s natural beauty is amongst the finest in the world. And whilst marred by despicable tourism boards naming everything in sight so as to attract punters to internally-named “rock formation #318332” (that potentially resembles an Elephant’s trunk; but only if squinting through one eye and tilting your head to 45 degrees, on a cloudy day when the sun is spitting rays of light through the gaps), if you can ignore the oodles of locals shouting “yi, er, san!” to find a space to take your own cheesy picture; it’ll make for something nice to show the Grand kids.



7) Organisation
As the world’s population becomes more and more fickle, flapping unsure wings like butterflies from one flower of interest to another; China is perfectly capable of pampering those wishing to live lives last-minute. Assuming you can speak some Mandarin, it’s possible to organise almost anything at any time; 2am and fancy taking a tour to the nearby attraction in 6 hours? Not a problem, the phone will still be manned. 9pm and food poisoning has caused knicker soil-idge? The laundrette down the road will help. Whimsical travelling and existence means there’s never a need to miss out and the sheer volume of people vying for your crusty probably-forged notes makes for easy bargaining.

6) Hostels
Win a game against the manager and stay a night for free. Six months out of regular practice though and my cueing technique has gone completely to pot; so I lost. And ever since, I’ve been hitting the pool tables hard, in desperate hopes to find another Aussie-owned hostel where the manager posts such a brave sign on the bulletin board. The chain-hotels aside (7 days inn, Home inn and City comfort inn), offering cheaper, cleaner and more peaceful accommodation; the best place to unwind with a full English, cup of tea and trade travel stories with fellow English speakers is in one of the many thousands of hostels. While some are clearly taking liberties (£2.50 for one fried egg, one rasher of streaky bacon and a small cup of tea), most have excellent English-speaking staff that manage to be incredibly helpful and kind. Grab a pay-and-go SIM and keep a few Yuan on it; if you’re lost, the girl manning reception will fetch you in the pouring rain and lead the way.

5) Tolerance
Of barging, of noise, of screaming children, delays to public transport; or extreme discomfort whilst in transit; of rudeness or even of a collision with a 3-wheel bike (narrowly missing a serious injury) – the Chinese are able to put up with just about anything anyone can throw at them. It’s probably why the useless government, corruption and males have been allowed to be so complacent and inert for such a long time; people just get on with it. Switch to America – where the litigious society has created a raft of overpaid bookworms that speak with posh accents and have pedestals extending from arsehole in order to sit on it permanently – or the UK where complaining and moaning are part of daily life; and it’s black and white compared to China. It’s never stopped to amaze me, just how much people can endure and put up with; the kinds of things that I will not stand for, but have somehow learned to handle. There must be something in the air that makes for such a relaxed and calm mentality; almost three months and I’ve only ever heard raised voices twice, certainly never any fisticuffs.


4) Men
Males in all corners of the world are generally pretty useless. In Thailand, they drive Tuk Tuks; Vietnam it’s motorbikes; here in China most sit about all day, playing cards and smoking (it’s a hard life). Other characteristics include the uncanny ability to follow you like an obedient pet for a pre-determined distance of twenty metres as they try to either sell or offer some kind of service (I’m unsure what as I don’t speak a dicky bird). One of my favourite character traits, however, is the complete lack of testes and hence testosterone. Conflict scares these Nancy Boys, raising your voice causes knees to shake, posturing close to another male’s face with a snarl and watch as they cower, recoiling back to the safety of their motorbike-come-bed. I’m not usually an aggressive person and travelling has certainly taken the edge off (much like a certain illicit drug tend to); though every now and then a chancer will assume they’ve gotten away with it. And much like that obedient pet, the only way to keep it in check is by assuming the pack-leader role; Woof!



3) Safety
“I never had any problem in Asia, but in India it had all gone within 24 hours”, a fellow traveller said back in Hong Kong. And as much is certainly true; you’ll never be physically assaulted, harmed, beckoned in to a brawl or at risk of injury in China. It’s easy to see why, with the whole country run on back-handers, bribes and all behind closed doors; so there’s no need for violence. I can’t ever imagine a ram-raid happening in downtown Dali for example; or two groups of opposing table-tennis supporters facing off in Burberry and Aquascutum attire. So relax as the chances of physical assault are almost negligible; you’ll be charmed, scammed, ripped-off and have severe amounts of piss taken straight out of you – but that’s all easy to avoid: “不要，谢谢” (bu yao xie xie).

2) Friends
The younger generations are changing China for the good. More accepting, less racist, clean and put simply – modern. Whilst there are exceptions to every rule (most of the youth in Beijing are fixated on scamming tourists), in general you’ll find them helpful and welcoming. I’ve made a host of contacts, friends and acquaintances throughout China; some I’ve met up with, others have banded together to tour areas to ensure safety in numbers. Believe it or not Chinese don’t discriminate in one matter; regardless of race or gender, you’re all fair game for a scam.



1) Women
Chinese men are screwed; they don’t stand a chance and should be on the endangered list. Women rule the roost, manage the finances, have complete sovereignty over the household (Chaucer’s Wife of Bath would be proud), and yet at the same time manage to cook, clean, raise children and show affection to their men that makes Western women seem positively vile. It’s a strange conundrum; where the genes have blessed women with beauty (we’ll exclude Northern China for the sake of this point), and femininity (we’ll also exclude hacking, eating with opened-mouths and other pet hates); it seems to have cursed men with looks that cause my jaw to drop each time I’m told “He’s very handsome”, by a local. Whilst not as submissive as the Japanese females – all groomed to be content staying at home, raising children and looking good so as not to scare their male any further – there’s something to be said for Chinese women above other Asian countries. Visit and discover the magic for yourself.

10 things I hate about China

(Found way after this blog was written in Yangshuo and promptly purchased)

If you’re scared of tight spaces, being enclosed on all sides by people making physical contact with each other; you’d best learn to deal with it before visiting China. Learn too how to develop a Duck’s back, so that 川流不息 (the stream flows without stopping), across it.

It’s been a month in total spent in China, with my stubbornness to see it through rivalling the local’s own, and I’ve been blessed with more insight in to the country than I would really have liked.

10) Copying
Copy Cat, Copy Cat, Sitting on the Door Mat! Ingenuity, inventiveness, originality; for the main, there’s none of that here. Try to understand the mentality; perhaps copying is the greatest form of flattery (though personally I think the greatest form of laziness), either way there’s little interest in moving things forward. Take shops for example; one opens in a street selling neon signs – let’s say – and due to success, others will soon follow and before you can blink, a row of “Neon Sign” shops will litter the entire street, packed full of identical premises selling identical stock. That’s perfectly acceptable behaviour and with not a sign of competition from any of them, impossible to tell one apart from the other on price, quality or merchandise. It’s the same in all walks of life, from mobile phones to the underground and all demonstrating shoddy, cut-corner and surface-level quality. Look closer and you’ll quickly realise that the rucksack, coat or umbrella you’re eyeing up will last about the time it takes for you to walk away and forget what the person looked like that sold it to you.


9) Hacking
The Asian games is due to take place in Guangzhou later this year and I’m wondering how this sport will feature. We’ll need close-ups for one, slow motion replays and definitely a suite of Hawkeye cameras to record precise placement. In fact the guy opposite me on the train must be deep in to training, having just hacked up what sounded like his small intestine. I think he’s in serious need of medical attention from the noises he’s making; but no one seems to be bothered as he hobbles his way to the toilet. It’s banned in major cities and there are signs everywhere asking people to refrain, though it’s had little effect on this tradition (a definitive piece of Chinese heritage and culture), with even beautiful women not perturbed by their fugly counterparts training for the games regularly. Back home that’d be dumping material.

8) Government
There’s too many people; hmm I’ve an idea. Let’s write down some rules for the population to follow and then wrap a story around it; giving it context. That’s where religion started and little has changed now except for the name – communism. It’s execution in China is far from perfect, with the affluent so far divided from the remaining 99.99% recurring that even a KFC half corn-on-cob is seen as a treat. It’s exactly the same as religion though; where only some practices and principles are followed – those that don’t affect coffer swelling rate – and just as wrong; it should be all or nothing. Trying to control technology though is surely the most ridiculous waste of money and infrastructure ever; subscribe to a cheap VPN to the UK or US for the same price as a Starf*cks Venti Mocha each month and punch a hole straight through it all. It’s bad enough trying to manage a few thousand users accessing the net (and that’s with cutting edge filtering technology); over a billion and it’s impossible, but their futile obduracy persists nonetheless.


7) Mobile Phones
Or more specifically the ring tones, which are all set to the maximum volume, blaring distorted and tone-deaf flat singers to all within a fifteen kilometre radius. It’s bad enough, though most leave it to play for a full thirty seconds as it must be their “favourite song” before answering; I’ll frisby It from the window shortly I swear it! The silent mode is lost here and even text messages generate the same kind of hateful eardrum punishing pain; but it’s all accepted. In fact you’ll need to ensure you can deal with noise when in China; everyone has the uncanny ability to switch off to it, sleeping through just about anything. Get a decent pair of headphones and ensure your iPod (or cheap KIRF bought here), is fully charged. In fact bring two; should one pair break you’ll want to beat your head against a wall until the connection from brain to eardrum is severed.

6) Food
Chicken and rice please. Sorry, make that noodles. In fact can I just have a whole chicken? At least that way I can ensure I’ll receive meat; as opposed to the chopped pallet-impaling chicken bone lumps that even your malnourished canine would turn his nose up at. I’m sorely missing bread, brown bread from a loaf and filled with things that I can bite in to. This much rice and noodles and I think my teeth are beginning to disintegrate and turn in to mush from the lack of use. Everything is soft and easy to swallow here; there’s no chewing required. It’s all slurp, suck and swallow; the three Ss if you will. With one truly remarkable exception in Zhangjiajie City where to my surprise the dishes had wholly edible pieces of Chicken breast and strips of Beef, everything else has been a nightmare of SSS. Alternatives include offal, or “[something] on a stick”, which could be any number of animals; or perhaps fish heads may take your liking. A sandwich, my kingdom for a bloody sarnie.



5) Bureaucracy
I’m drowning in the red-tape, there’s so much it’s suffocating. Perhaps due to the sheer number of people and communist approach to unemployment, roles have been duplicated and copied in order to give people something to do. Take the trains; you’ll need to present ticket before entering the station for checking. Once inside, get it out of your pocket and show it to the staff guarding entrance to the waiting room. Upon train arrival, show it for a third time to the guards at the entrance to the platform stairs and once more at the entrance to your carriage. Find your seat or bed and expect it to be checked by a carriage attendant who will exchange it for a plastic credit card-sized replica; clever. Show your passport, presumably to explain blood-type, favourite colour and desert island disc choices and then expect a second round of guards to double check your passport and credit-card ticket. Once the train is almost at destination, swap credit-card for paper original. Finally you will need to show and submit it to the guards at exit point of destination. Wait, I’ve lost count – that’s nine right?


4) Barging
The next person to push past me is going to receive a knuckle sandwich. I don’t understand the mentality; there’s precisely no need to make physical contact and enough room to skirt around my body. Perhaps it’s laziness, perhaps it’s a lack of manners, perhaps it’s because I’m foreign; either way it’s unbelievable that so many people put up with such disdainful attitudes towards other humans. Running in London and it was something I was already accustomed to, people are blind and have the ability to look around 2nm infront of their own nose; here people are more spacially aware; just about. I’ve barged through countless people when running (shouting at them doesn’t seem to help, even in Mandarin), and except for one challenger who turned around and looked at me, everyone else has accepted it without contest. Boarding the metro necessitates this practice, for the numerous signs asking people to wait for passengers to alight first and painted directions at each carriage entrance have made no difference. I’ll simply force my way through treating it like a Rugby scrum (I reckon I’d make a good player), should someone look to get in my way I’ll tense up – I’ve even gone to the extent of pushing someone back for a good few metres and not been braved.



3) Smoking
It seems to be a right, not a privilege here and every man falls down to peer group pressure when young. So much so that it’s actually rare to find a male that doesn’t puff away and when I’ve said I don’t smoke, I’m greeted with expressions of utter perplexity, usually taking at least three repetitions before the message is actually accepted. It must be a sign of manhood in Asia (it was the same to a certain degree in Japan), though personally I think deep down people are desperate to be different. Signs make little difference to your average addict, as he lights up yet again and makes no allowance for anyone wishing to maintain their own odour; be it at breakfast, lunch, in a closed space, on a train, on a bus, directly underneath a “No Smoking” sign etcetera, etcetera. The strange thing is that it is heavily limited to males, hardly any women are interested in increasing their risk of lung cancer; stranger still is the low number of cancer cases. Maybe it’s all that tea.

2) Toilets
They’re cheap to manufacture and easy to install, being effectively a hole and suiting both genders alike, though with squat toilets come a wealth of foulness, filth and squalor that makes each bowel movement cause the same kind of dread as a death-row inmate must feel when his sponge is wetted. Ensure you have toilet paper – I can’t stress that one strongly enough – as getting caught short doesn’t bear description. Place it in a convenient pocket and place hand sanitiser in the other. You’ll be lucky to find somewhere with a functioning flush, let alone tap and set your expectations for water, paper and soap firmly to two hopes. Some squat toilets are cleverly designed 45 degree slides ending at a sight that may cause instant excretion from another orifice; others will be home to insects that don’t take kindly to invading human excretions; so try to make it quick. Learn the British Army technique for use of toilet paper and folding (again I shall skip over this loveliness), and when dropping shorts and pants, only lower them to calf-height before rolling twice and gripping with your opposing writing hand; you risk contamination otherwise. Oh and one last point; though some of these “establishments” may ask for a fee here’s a tip: Simply run in, do your business and run out. You won’t be stopped, just shouted at; I refuse to pay a few Yuan to risk catching a disease.
[Not risked taking camera out to capture the foulness]

1) Staring
Most guidebooks and articles incorrectly describe this as “curiosity”, and perhaps sometimes it may be just that; underneath the surface of clear jealousy. The Chinese are a jealous bunch; of status, wealth, power or anything making someone different from the rest. Most once they’ve got you locked cannot peel their eyes away, so stare back and refuse to budge. Once the initial glance has faded, it’ll soon return, and again, and again. Sat waiting for the train a girl diagonally opposite notices me and immediately calls to her friend “lao wei!” (foreigner), whilst laughing. Her three friends all turn to stare at me and as I reply “I can understand you” in Mandarin, they flush red but continue to stare nonetheless. Take this scenario and place it in a Western country and imagine it’s acceptability. In fact the only place I’ve found acceptance is Xiamen, with the northern cities scorning me simply for what I am. Walking down the street and the Londoner in me wants to Hulk Smash™ each and every gawping, staring racist that crosses my path. With a female travel buddy in tow people even dare to ask “Where is he from?”, to her or “Why are you with a foreigner?”; she knows me well enough to skip over the details as I’ll quite happily confront them. It is, however, the most annoying thing about the Chinese and having only ever experienced racism once in my life before; somewhere that anyone committed of a race-crime in the UK should be sentenced to spend some quality time, for it will forever change your attitude towards racism; and promptly.





After the break; 10 things I love about China.