Leave me alone, or I’ll beat you to death with my weapon of French origin

Who really and truly likes the French? Stand up please so I can see you; raise your hands and wave to make yourself visible – no one? I’d have guessed as much. Take the average French tourist in Vietnam for example – there are lots of them, smoking their lah-de-dah cigarettes in ubiquitous cafes, blowing smoke in your general direction, ordering pâtisserie and expecting a croissant to fill their pie-holes every five minutes. I’m not keen; bring me the American bombing yeehaws any day of the week. At least I’ll fit in with them, having a red neck myself.

From 29 Mar 2010

From 25 Mar 2010

It’s cool here in Hanoi; a permanently overcast sky keeping the sun in check, meaning that expensive honky cream from Boots will go a little further. Fancy a run at midday – no problem, it’s windy and cool, with humidity so low you can actually go a whole day without sweating. Walking around the old quarter will remind you of an old French town; tall buildings less than three metres wide that jut upwards like force-grown rhubarb, make for interesting hotel layouts. If you like natural light, ensure you ask for a room with a window; if you don’t like noise then stick with the cell. The din here is utterly inexorable, so much so that I’ve seen fellow travellers strolling around with earplugs. Personally I think that’s a bad idea; you’ll need as much awareness as you can muster. The pavements are littered with tat for sale and mopeds will find you like tourist-seeking missiles. And there’re millions of them, from all directions. Watch out, he’s heading left but indicating right; ooh that was close – her handlebar almost caught my elbow; he’s texting whilst driving and has two passengers on his Vespa? There’s a saying here “close your eyes when crossing the road”; great advice if you want to spend the night in Hospital. Anything with four wheels or more and the driver will invariably have his right hand firmly planted on the horn – so hope it’s an automatic if you’re a passenger.

From 25 Mar 2010

So far the French have done three visible things for Vietnam; given them their own written language, shown them how to build awful, cramped living spaces and taught them how to make weapons. I think I’ve discovered why it is the French are so rude; have your palette sliced and cut open every breakfast and lunch, and you’d be pissed off with the world too. They must all be masochists. You can also use these weapons (amongst other things), for defeating flying enemies that seek to feed on you, or as a roller pin to eliminate a barrage of ants occupying the bathroom mirror and the toothpaste remains you neglected to clear up after brushing. Find a particularly sharp one and you’ll be able to use it as an instrument of impalement; take that you pushy saleswoman – I don’t want to buy your fruit, no matter how much you follow me, pull my arm, shout “you buy” repeatedly, or tap me on the elbow and chant “mister”. Find a particularly long one and you could use it to make a home run.

From 26 Mar 2010

If you can find a diamond cutting tool, you may be able to cut one in half – but watch for ricocheting debris as you go; it may make an incredible mess on the table or hit you in the eye. Perhaps that’s why the locals here are perfectly happy to throw waste on the floor whilst feeding – bones, tissue, cups, cans and detritus dumped around them. Some more French influence no doubt. Stand and gawk at a street food stall as the locals eat; it’s like watching an affluent King’s convention try to out-do each other for improvidence.

From 29 Mar 2010

Watch your step in hotels as they’ll try to book you on the cheapest tours, so head to a reputable agency instead. Sapa, Ha Long Bay on your itinerary? Then be prepared to pay handsomely for a few day excursion; two day, one night Ha Long tours starting at $135. Though if you’re happy sleeping with rats, eating chicken feet and spending eight hours pillion-passenger on a moped; pay less and enjoy. I’ve bumped in to a nineteen foot Finnish guy and so the three of us are taking the former option.

From 29 Mar 2010