The Monster Gun

I do say I've found it, I declare. Yes, it's clear this is where recreation occurs and there is actually something to do. That must be why the small island of Penang was named "2nd must-see place of 2008"; why else go to Asia, if not to purchase a wife or tap some cheap Malay poontang.

In strange similarity with Bahrain is a connecting bridge (there isn't one to Langkawi; why bother as there's nowt to do there), which covers just over 8k of sea. It’s a clever bit of design and certainly necessary in order to facilitate ease of accessibility for customers. It's 10pm and the door of the pub I'm in has swung open. In its wake are four girls dressed shall we say, provocatively. Within a few minutes they've scanned the area for potential business and approached customers that have used whichever practiced code of solicitation is uniquely theirs. I've befriended a local Malaysian, who regales stories of western men picking up wives for themselves and then reluctantly converting to Islam (well, you know – you've kinda, gotta – havent you). It's a subtle and peaceful tactic by the cult to expand numbers, though as far as I'm concerned and quoting Harlem Nights; “Now you know that's some mean Pussy to make a man change Gods.”

If you're interested in other things to while away time there's always, let’s see; the Dentist College to visit for a free check-up. I jest; it's actually as serene a place as you could ask for, considering how densely packed in the numerous temples of Bhuddism, Hinduism, variations-on-a-theme-of, Christianity and Mosques are. Along the Kaptain Kelling road is the namesake mosque and several temples of other faiths. Passing by the Buddhist Yap Kongsi temple I notice it is closed, but an elderly couple are tending the plants that line it's small circumference. I'm sure they speak English (in fact the majority population are quadrilingual; Cantonese, Mandarin, Malay and English), and as the nearby mosque is praying I ask if there is any friction; "No, it's fine. They say their prayers. We say ours." I take a breath but decide not to retort; of course he'd say that – he's Buddhist.

This is, however, just how I pictured Malaysia before arriving in KL and it's annoying I've only 4 nights booked, for there is more than enough to see and do to occupy twice that number. Head to one of the numerous Hawker stalls for instance and pay around 80pence for a dish. Expect to receive less than the locals (test this and see for yourself), but it is good nonetheless. Damn good in fact; the food cuisine blend of South China, India and SE Asia makes for some awesome fried rice and prawns.

My first night and little India has to be seen, smelled and heard to appreciate just how rich with culture India must be; an aperitif of the continent if you will. The curry makes brick lane look positively amateur and whilst I'm sure I'll need to cover a half marathon to burn what I've just eaten, it is bloody superb. Exiting restaurant a local offers me help as I stand scanning my map, and shortly after gives me a brief tour of the area and sights within Georgetown in her car. No charge, no angle, no hidden agenda; just happy to help. She drops me at the bar street, where the majority of watering holes are located and wishes me a safe journey. One guess as to which religion she was.

Being a Muslim country, booze doesn't come cheap; so expect to pay London prices for a pint, which whilst silly in comparison with the food is thankfully served ice cold in a glass straight from the freezer. A few too many and stomach cramps beg for some nourishment, so we gravitate to a local place for chicken on the bone curry with rice. Eating with hands is messy work and almost as silly as using those wooden pointy things, but it's custom so I'm happy to give it a bash.


Rent a motorbike for a few quid less than in Langkawi and head off around the island for some great sights. Highlights include simply traversing the mainland-connecting bridge and back, the Lek Kok Si's enormous devotion to a multitude of differing worshipers and the largest goddess of mercy I've seen yet. With such grandiose square metre-age, several gigantic tat shops are difficult not to spend time browsing through. And along with the tram to gravitate your bone-idle legs to the top, a demonstration of the mainland chinese's devotion to religion (they paid for most of it).


Watch your step should you decide to visit the sight of a Japanese victory at the SE tip of the island. The war museum is decidedly slippery footing and also points a large finger toward the collective war crimes committed by crazed Samurai wielding fetishists. As the world’s “largest live museum”, it certainly gives you a feel for what it must have been like to soil pants and blow additional hole in eardrum each time you popped a cap in the “monster gun”; a 24-inch calibre anti-planet cannon, scuttled along with the other battery placements by the retreating British. Motorbike fans will enjoy the windy road of potential twisted and mangled limbs heading to the night market that is Pasar Malam, where Star Trek writers clearly experienced the joys of bartering and utilised the road name for an alien race; Batu Ferringhi. A heavy downpour meant a two hour wait to attempt the journey back, but watch your step if you carry a pillion passenger as it’s pretty tricky going. If you’re after some bling, take a stroll along the gold street to drop jaws at all the patrolling security guards, then realise that yes, it is indeed real and loaded.

For all intents and purposes this small drop in the ocean may as well be a separate country – it's nothing like mainland Malaysia, more laid back than the useless island of boredom to the north and cheaper than both. With ferry services to and from Thailand's southern islands, it's difficult not to recommend this island wholeheartedly. It was definitely worth throwing up twice on the ferry crossing to visit.