5 tonnes of pure, solid Gold cynicism

It really is rather hot. In the months leading to the monsoon season, temperatures tend to average mid-thirties and top out in to the early-fourties. That’s just great; I’m definitely able to withstand that kind of heat. Honky, pasty and with a hint of ginger (so my friends keep telling me), I’m undeniably made for the sun. Especially as now, I take as long in the mornings to apply honky cream, as a teenage girl does tarting herself up for her big date with Chad, the ripped American foreign-exchange student who loves Baseball. That’d be my colloquialism for suncream and looking in the mirror, I resemble Stephen Dorff from Blade, in the scene where they execute Dragonetti.

From 01 Mar 2010

Now that I’ve put my face on (and arms, legs, feet and neck for that matter), I’m ready to explore China Town. It’s roughly a 5K walk, but I’ve time to kill and need some form of exercise to stave off the muffin-top from further development.

“Tuk tuk?”
“No, thanks”
“Helloooo. Where you going?”
“Walking”
“Where you from? Tuk Tuk?”
“No. Fine. WALKING”
“Tuk Tuk? Hello Mister, where you from, Grand Palace, Temples. Tuk Tuk”
“No. NO. I’m fine. Happy to walk”
“Tuk Tuk Tuk Tuk Tuk Tuk Tuk Tuk Tuk Tuk Tuk Tuk Tuk Tuk Tuk Tuk”
“My name is not ‘Tuk Tuk’ and I’m WALKING!”
“You lost? I take you, where you go?”
“Walk. Using my feet, don’t want one, go away”
“I take you, where you going now?”
“Minding my own dude, no thank you!”

I love these guys, it’s like bumping in to an old friend that you never actually liked, but in hindsight realise just how much you missed them when you catch up. Perspective is an interesting thing and I’m still relieved to be back. Staying in Lemonseed Rooms, the Scouse owner is a wonderful source of amusement (if just for his rasping accent), and local knowledge. And from this man I have learned the most useful phrase of the Thai language, ever. So useful in fact I’ve finally found an “Off” switch for all the locals. It works beautifully, causing laughter from the solicitor of business, or shutting them up in an instant; “Mi Ow Krap”. Think of a “Khatt” Brian says, “meow, just longherr” (it’s difficult to reproduce his guttural impediment in prose.)

Find a hat, a large one with an enormous rim (the horrid female horse racing type are fine – it’s function over fashion here), if you burn and it’ll help. Mine makes me look like a hillbilly, and we don’t take kyandly to yerr kaynd arawnd heyar.

From 21 Feb 2010

From 21 Feb 2010

Finally stumbling in to Wat Traimit, I’m instantly overwhelmed by its gratuitously expensive construction. If Vegas did Wats, this is how they’d do it. Disabled and wheelchair bound? Not a problem, there’s a lift to take you to whichever floor you’d like to gamble on, Sir. Hot, bothered and sweating from all the gambling? Cool down with the water mist jets; they keep the punters here for longer. Worried about security? No problem, there’s a centrally managed key-coded system to ensure not one gram of that 5 tonnes of gold goes walkies.

From 21 Feb 2010

From 21 Feb 2010

From 21 Feb 2010

The myth of this Buddha image is as follows. The crane driver miraculously dropped it when transferring from ship to shore. Cracking, the core was revealed, which is pure, unadulterated Gold: Five tonnes of the stuff. Or so they’d have you believe. Personally I think the story simply adds to the mystique of the place and hence means the punters will flock – the colouration is just too bronze for my liking.

From 21 Feb 2010

There’s an interesting new game here – and it’s free to ensure new gamblers get addicted – touch the string attached to the left thumb. That’ll surely bring you luck and ensure that your kids are blessed with good teeth, straight As at school, a mean Tennis backhand and a talent for the Viola [solo]. Damn, I’ve been spotted; photography isn’t allowed in Casinos, so probably best I scarper. And just when I was thinking of offering them a suggestion; enclose the temple in a window-less housing. Without view of the sunlight, they’ll pray for longer and hence spend more. It’d also be an idea to pump in pure Oxygen, to keep them awake and alert; you need energy to bow down repeatedly after all.

From 21 Feb 2010

“Hello friend, I’m the manager here. Where you from?”
“London.”
“Ah London, my Nephew study there. Kings College.”
“Really, what’s he studying?”
“Chemistry, he very clever. Not like me. I’m manager here.”
“OK. I got that. What do you want?”
“Where you go now?”
“China Town. I’m walking.”
“Ah China Town. China Town, OK, OK. You should visit my friend, he make excellent suit.”
“No, I really don’t want a suit. Have nowhere to carry it. Have no job. Understand?”
“He do very good deal. It cheapeeer. Chinese New Year, holiday. So makes it cheapeeer”
“Really, I’m fine thanks.”
“You have map, pen, I show you China Town.”
“Well, OK.”
“It very far you know. Tuk Tuk, I’ll call for you now. Get you a cheapeeer.”
“No really, I don’t want a Tuk Tuk!”

Drawing his “friend’s shop” on my map, he also circles another area and writes the letters T.A.T., which in case you didn’t know, is acronym for Tourism Authority of Thailand. Or in other words, a tour guide ripoff agency. Steer clear, or as the 80s drug campaign suggests; “just say no”. If you plan on walking in Thailand and are white, brace for impact and expect an abundance of pestering. Remember – meow crab – just shorten the vowels, it works like Gandalf when he cured Théoden; “BE GONE!”

So back to the Temple (my train of thought really does waiver.) In a separate housing I find a queue of punters, ready and willing to part with cold hard cash, so as to receive a spraying with water. The Monk doesn’t own a Super Soaker 2000 though; that’d cost too much (lowering profit margin), and be far too much fun (boo), instead he uses a bunch of old Joss Sticks. How dreary.

From 21 Feb 2010

There’re all kinds of faces from around the world here, with Sikhs and Hindus also taking part. Not everyone decides to go for the drenching though, some opting simply to part with their money. That’s some easy takings – Vegas Casino management, I hope you’re reading.

On my way out, a swarm of gambling addicts has surrounded a Monk on all sides. It’s utter pandemonium as the poor soul is brow beaten to dispensing small stones (again presumably for luck), to the punters. The police oblige by vaguely affecting some protection – though they stand fast until palms are crossed. I assume the inundation of punters is the gambling addicts, who will do anything to increase their luck and odds of a successful bet. Atrocious behaviour this is; where the peaceful and respectful nature of Buddhism is replaced with an animalistic slant. I’m not so sure there is a Religaholic Anonymous presence in Thailand, but one is clearly needed.

From 21 Feb 2010