10 things I love about China

With so many things not quite making the grade; driving for example, or incessant scamming (and I mean literally everywhere you turn), on a lighter note, here are the things I’ll miss when departing. You can’t have yin without yang after all:

10) Maths
Some basic arithmetic from a meal we shared in Dali: 10+8+18+12+10=? Let’s make it multiple choice to simplify matters: (a) 44 (b) 36 (c) 48 (d) 50. Grab the calculator, you know you want to – it’s easier and quicker. Not really – I think I can add up pretty well and I’d bloody well hope so too; though the education system in China is clearly a little behind and hence the calculator business must be thriving. Similarly, occasionally it’s possible to pull one back and profit from a miscalculation; be it incorrect keystroke or mental arithmetic, every little helps. So double check every bill – indeed every line item if you can read them – to ensure accuracy. Every now and then though, you’ll find a little bonus when receiving change. Take it and run.


9) Food
My life is a world of GPS coordinates; of Hotels, Hostels, P.O.Is and eateries I’ve found. Apart from making sure it’s almost impossible to get lost (subject to a charged battery), it means I can mark down the best places to eat and go back if nothing else can be found. Very hit and miss, with some establishments choosing default “rip the foreigner off” stance as you enter, occasionally – very occasionally – you’ll find somewhere so surprising that it rivals the best that Thailand has to offer (the best food on planet Earth by a long way). It’s a little like finding gold dust, being pricked by the elusive needle in a rather obese stack of hay; or catching that tricky little green Irish sod and nabbing his pot of treasure. Should you manage to stumble across a delectable eatery, delight in the tender steak, chicken pieces, morning glory or dumplings on offer for less than a quid a dish. (Said restaurant in Zhang-thingy being: 29°7.722, 110°28.858 for those with Google Earth)



8) Scenery
6 months of yawn-inducing Temples and what’s left? Incredible karst cliffs, limestone formations and winding rivers aggressively heading to fill the nearest lake or sea: China’s natural beauty is amongst the finest in the world. And whilst marred by despicable tourism boards naming everything in sight so as to attract punters to internally-named “rock formation #318332” (that potentially resembles an Elephant’s trunk; but only if squinting through one eye and tilting your head to 45 degrees, on a cloudy day when the sun is spitting rays of light through the gaps), if you can ignore the oodles of locals shouting “yi, er, san!” to find a space to take your own cheesy picture; it’ll make for something nice to show the Grand kids.



7) Organisation
As the world’s population becomes more and more fickle, flapping unsure wings like butterflies from one flower of interest to another; China is perfectly capable of pampering those wishing to live lives last-minute. Assuming you can speak some Mandarin, it’s possible to organise almost anything at any time; 2am and fancy taking a tour to the nearby attraction in 6 hours? Not a problem, the phone will still be manned. 9pm and food poisoning has caused knicker soil-idge? The laundrette down the road will help. Whimsical travelling and existence means there’s never a need to miss out and the sheer volume of people vying for your crusty probably-forged notes makes for easy bargaining.

6) Hostels
Win a game against the manager and stay a night for free. Six months out of regular practice though and my cueing technique has gone completely to pot; so I lost. And ever since, I’ve been hitting the pool tables hard, in desperate hopes to find another Aussie-owned hostel where the manager posts such a brave sign on the bulletin board. The chain-hotels aside (7 days inn, Home inn and City comfort inn), offering cheaper, cleaner and more peaceful accommodation; the best place to unwind with a full English, cup of tea and trade travel stories with fellow English speakers is in one of the many thousands of hostels. While some are clearly taking liberties (£2.50 for one fried egg, one rasher of streaky bacon and a small cup of tea), most have excellent English-speaking staff that manage to be incredibly helpful and kind. Grab a pay-and-go SIM and keep a few Yuan on it; if you’re lost, the girl manning reception will fetch you in the pouring rain and lead the way.

5) Tolerance
Of barging, of noise, of screaming children, delays to public transport; or extreme discomfort whilst in transit; of rudeness or even of a collision with a 3-wheel bike (narrowly missing a serious injury) – the Chinese are able to put up with just about anything anyone can throw at them. It’s probably why the useless government, corruption and males have been allowed to be so complacent and inert for such a long time; people just get on with it. Switch to America – where the litigious society has created a raft of overpaid bookworms that speak with posh accents and have pedestals extending from arsehole in order to sit on it permanently – or the UK where complaining and moaning are part of daily life; and it’s black and white compared to China. It’s never stopped to amaze me, just how much people can endure and put up with; the kinds of things that I will not stand for, but have somehow learned to handle. There must be something in the air that makes for such a relaxed and calm mentality; almost three months and I’ve only ever heard raised voices twice, certainly never any fisticuffs.


4) Men
Males in all corners of the world are generally pretty useless. In Thailand, they drive Tuk Tuks; Vietnam it’s motorbikes; here in China most sit about all day, playing cards and smoking (it’s a hard life). Other characteristics include the uncanny ability to follow you like an obedient pet for a pre-determined distance of twenty metres as they try to either sell or offer some kind of service (I’m unsure what as I don’t speak a dicky bird). One of my favourite character traits, however, is the complete lack of testes and hence testosterone. Conflict scares these Nancy Boys, raising your voice causes knees to shake, posturing close to another male’s face with a snarl and watch as they cower, recoiling back to the safety of their motorbike-come-bed. I’m not usually an aggressive person and travelling has certainly taken the edge off (much like a certain illicit drug tend to); though every now and then a chancer will assume they’ve gotten away with it. And much like that obedient pet, the only way to keep it in check is by assuming the pack-leader role; Woof!



3) Safety
“I never had any problem in Asia, but in India it had all gone within 24 hours”, a fellow traveller said back in Hong Kong. And as much is certainly true; you’ll never be physically assaulted, harmed, beckoned in to a brawl or at risk of injury in China. It’s easy to see why, with the whole country run on back-handers, bribes and all behind closed doors; so there’s no need for violence. I can’t ever imagine a ram-raid happening in downtown Dali for example; or two groups of opposing table-tennis supporters facing off in Burberry and Aquascutum attire. So relax as the chances of physical assault are almost negligible; you’ll be charmed, scammed, ripped-off and have severe amounts of piss taken straight out of you – but that’s all easy to avoid: “不要，谢谢” (bu yao xie xie).

2) Friends
The younger generations are changing China for the good. More accepting, less racist, clean and put simply – modern. Whilst there are exceptions to every rule (most of the youth in Beijing are fixated on scamming tourists), in general you’ll find them helpful and welcoming. I’ve made a host of contacts, friends and acquaintances throughout China; some I’ve met up with, others have banded together to tour areas to ensure safety in numbers. Believe it or not Chinese don’t discriminate in one matter; regardless of race or gender, you’re all fair game for a scam.



1) Women
Chinese men are screwed; they don’t stand a chance and should be on the endangered list. Women rule the roost, manage the finances, have complete sovereignty over the household (Chaucer’s Wife of Bath would be proud), and yet at the same time manage to cook, clean, raise children and show affection to their men that makes Western women seem positively vile. It’s a strange conundrum; where the genes have blessed women with beauty (we’ll exclude Northern China for the sake of this point), and femininity (we’ll also exclude hacking, eating with opened-mouths and other pet hates); it seems to have cursed men with looks that cause my jaw to drop each time I’m told “He’s very handsome”, by a local. Whilst not as submissive as the Japanese females – all groomed to be content staying at home, raising children and looking good so as not to scare their male any further – there’s something to be said for Chinese women above other Asian countries. Visit and discover the magic for yourself.