Working on commission

The first was a jeweller with more staff than bemused punters led through the deliberate maze layout. Second was during the included lunch, where paintings made by teams of automatons were auctioned to deaf ears. At the Garden and we were offered a 30 minute ride around for 200Y, no thanks. Fourth and an inevitable tea house tried to seduce morons with expensive oversized tea-fashioned coin-shaped offerings; 12800Y definitely seems a fair price. Fifth came as exiting the tea house we were told to either buy something from the hugely inflated shop, or find our own way home. Sixth and a perfumery supposedly selling all major fashionable brands offered us "water of toilet", which is indeed most likely where the fakes were sourced.

All but one of our party of seven refused the tat on offer; walking in as short a path, through the cynically laid out shops to the exit as possible. This fellow hailing from Beijing clearly wanted to show off with his large roll of 100Y notes, splurging on three boxes of the aforementioned tea. The couple from Xiamen refused despite persistence, the Hong Konger siblings were ignored and we were shunned for finding the whole charade rather amusing. Fits of giggles aside – wait, I recall paying twelve quid for a tour to the Rock Gardens outside of Kunming, which included a foot massage; so why are we visiting so many other places first? "You were supposed to spend at least 20 minutes in there!", the tour guide complains at the jewellers, as we all realise honesty is not to her favour and she is clearly working on commission.

I've only had one other tour in China, where all else has been self-sufficient. And for good reason too; back then and the same "tea house" hard sell was invisibly hidden in the itinerary. Here though it was a calculated risk; the garden is around 60k away and with expensive transport and a 150Y entrance fee, this was the best choice. It's a blessing that the mere hour we spent looking at jagged rock formations was enough, as that's all she allocated in the 8 hours total we were subjected to hard selling tactics.

Many words can describe this kind of behaviour; disgraceful, unbelievable, shocking, ridiculous – though I prefer the following: Expected. Expect to be treated like a walking cash cow, udders brimming with sweet tasty ¥uan milk that the locals all desire so much. It's not just Lao Wei that are treated this way; Chinese are subjected to the same harassment when on tour; same same. And so it was that as a group, us 6 decided to band together and traverse the much worn Kunming to Shangri La trail for the next few weeks: Safety in numbers after all.

But back to the Garden; where after pushing us so much all day, the extremely hiked 200Y car fee is rebutted by all (tea man hasn't made his purchase yet), and so off we go on foot. Good thing too; the route skirts the circumference, missing just about everything of note in the middle and showing all the manmade perimeter attractions instead. That explains our guide's annoyance at having to, well, guide us through. The conclusion of the day and I'm still questioning new friends when the massage might occur; we stand around shrugging shoulders to each other as the guide boards our bus and sneakily departs without us – taking tea man with her. Acceptable behaviour this is not and I hope she heard me: "Xiao ni ma!" So two pieces of advice; firstly never take a tour in China and secondly should you decide to, always do the opposite of what your guide says.


Back to Kunming and there's plenty to see by ourselves, especially as the local buses are only a few kuai (slang for yuan - similar to quid), a ride. The Green Lake Park is just that and worth a squint, Yuantong Temple is home to floating carcasses of Turtles and Terapins that litter the presumably poisoned murky waters (I seem to remember Buddhism saying something about respect to all forms of life?), and Daguanlou features a fairground with perhaps the shortest rollercoaster in history; 26.3 seconds for a single lap and you’re done. Someone call Guinness.