Idiots with box cameras

Most own Nikons, some have Sony Digicams; occasionally you may find one with a Panasonic point-and-shoot, but they're all equally as clueless.

Photography requires some basic knowledge of Maths, Physics and an understanding of how an image is formed. You know, from those photon things and that CCD contraption that collects them and interprets it all into that DMC00194.jpg file you're currently uploading to facebook. It's all made far worse by mass production of electronics; you can pick up a Nikon DSLR for around £300 now, a few hundred more and you'll be able to generate some penis envy with a 28-element Telephoto lens; hold it up like a cocked weapon ready to fire.

But without even the faintest idea of what you're doing – or worse still simply taking pictures of "this is me infront of" – 99% of what that Sandisk 16GB card holds will be utter rubbish. Point in case; the inverse square rule. Ever heard of that? It applies to all sorts of things, though here I’m referring to flash gun illumination, so go read about that before setting your Nikon cock substitute to auto and firing the tiny flash off at a subject 50 Metres away. It might be worth opening the window too – maybe you’ve heard of that fundamental property of light called reflection? Clearly not, so go ahead and fill your memory card with pictures of white over-exposed glass.

Talk to one of these plastic made-in-a-sausage-factory wielding idiots and they may become roused; comparing lens sizes in the same way wild Stags might size up competition, unaware that one of your lenses is worth more than their whole outfit. They'll also probably have the volume set to highest on the camera – just to ensure the whole world knows that the frame is in focus. Click and the resulting completely unnecessary digitised noise chimes, for announcement of the capture. And we need to know – clearly – as their desperate need to be the centre of attention surfaces once more.

Focal length is just a number that they know means something to do with W or T, unaware what the letters stand for, let alone what a standard, macro or fisheye lens may be. Converging verticals on a wide angle lens; what the hell is that, they won’t know why his face looks stretched at a short focal length; it's just cool and that's as far as it goes.

At night time it's even worse, or at a theatre pathetic; flash guns going off in pandemonium and scores of faces with confused looks, as they press play to look at the resulting picture; person in front's head and surrounding blackness. Why didn't it come out?

For those kind of shots you will need a high ISO, isn’t that something to do with standards? Grain size and hence sensitivity to light increased; back in the good old days of film. Now it's gain increased to the sensor, introducing noise as the amplitude causes interference. No, a low ISO will not work at night, unless you have a tripod, a remote control (cable release), and some patience. Ever wonder why a picture at low ISO looks better - now you know!

Worse still is the size of pictures and memory cards – with thousands now able to be stored on just one. Thousands of the same turgid stock shots that you, your mate and his entire facebook friend list takes that is; it’s not worth the 0s and 1s they consume. Need a shot of some action; easy stick it on high speed and just hold down the button; it’s as easy as fishing with dynamite. Later you can pick the one you want. No need to have any timing or an eye for things, like a sense of anticipation. No, just fire them off verbatim and check through later.

In this age of cheap electronics, everyone is a master photographer; the bigger the lens, the better the end result. Never mind all those elements in the lens reducing the light, refracting, causing internal reflections and only focusing a single wavelength to the focal plane. Or the f-stop being 8 at a minimum and wondering why all the shots are hence blurry. The higher the megapixel, the better: I’ve got 15 million of them, so watch out girls as mine is swinging at my knees.

It's a shame then that everywhere I look I see dunces with piss for a brain, so stupid an ignorant that their whole life will be spent in perpetual competition with other humans. Put the Nikon down and step away. Let someone who knows something benefit from some nice kit and use it, whilst you go read wikipedia or buy a book on photography.