Pillars of Doom

Yeah I think that one looks like a Roman nose; and that one just like the rock from – a film perhaps? Thing is, these types of formations are to be seen elsewhere in the world, so realistically there’s nothing special about this place except these following things three: 1) The Chinglish everywhere will keep you amused whilst tackling yet another set of steps, 2) It’s about as safe as playing Cricket with a grenade and 3) As the world’s largest real-life stepping machine, expect to be welcoming those quads to the pain train baby! We’ve just hiked to the top to find the Green Bus (so-called due to the hue of paint, rather than any tree-hugging), having ignored all touts trying to sell lift tickets at a fiver each. Bargain – I’ll take ten! Everyone but everyone tries it on; it’s both relentless and soul destroying.


The buses all have LCD monitors installed at the front, playing Karaoke songs singing of the wonders and joys to behold, though in typical fashion it’s wailing noise designed to numb your eardrums in to acceptance and forever sang flat; Auto-Tune™ must make a killing in China. On second thoughts, nah it’ll just be copied and pirated faster than you can say “License Agreem…”. Ah, we’ve reached our destination and are off to have a squint at some of these amazingly named formations, such as the “Great Bridge of The World” and “One Step to Heaven Peak”. But hang on, what’s this – holograms and posters galore of a film I saw not so long ago – yes the tourism board of Zhangjiajie has decided to name one particularly accessible rock after the film “Avatar”. Back in Thailand and the “James Bond Island” formation specifically features in the film and was used after it opened, as a tourist attraction; that makes sense. The Chinese however, like to praise and pat themselves on the back like no other people and so, in all it’s glory here is the “Avatar rock”.

To the international hostel inside the park we head for an evening of not a great deal in a tiny village; just one shop and street lamp, though strangely they have managed to install wireless everywhere. The bed is a cleverly converted base, made soft by addition of a few sheets; so soft in fact I think it’s capable of cutting through diamond. Next morning and a breakfast of tasteless congee with spiced vegetables makes me pine for a full English. Overcooked rice lacking seasoning makes for a stomach-churning start to the day; throw in some chillies with a Scoville score of a few hundred thousand and I’m amazed to have held it down: Back to the park.

Most things in China do not teem with quality and here is no exception. The health and safety brigade, having recovered from multiple cardiac arrests and returned to cordon the entire park, would struggle to understand how so few lives have been lost considering the thin and wobbly metal railings that barely prevent a fall of several hundred metres. If you’re hell-bent on topping yourself, it’s a great place to go out in style; frisby one’s fleshy carcass from any number of pillars of doom though and chances are you’d end up cascading down the cliff face, becoming increasingly mangled during the descent as your remaining nerve-endings fire signals to your brain of PAIN, PAIN and SHIT MORE PAIN before the eventual shock of seeing splattered parts of yourself ends your misery. So we’re both taking it carefully, navigating to the top of a peak and through crevices barely wide enough for anorexic sufferers, steep step ladders testing your balance followed by slippery footing and a sheer drop. Conquering the challenge, the view at the top is impressively marred by the presence of photo-souvenir touts perched waiting to call out to brave punters.



It’s a park of “natural wonders”, where “preservation” and “harmony” is spoken of on the many signs. Here is so much preservation that roads, paths, paving and tat shops have replaced much of the nature; which is diverse and not the kind of thing that I’d like crawling up my leg at night with sinister intentions.

Overall, an exceedingly expensive excursion consisting of several buses that would have been impossible to locate without a fluent speaker. And at 250Y for a 2-day entrance price, where your fingerprint is taken to ensure chancers are perturbed, I’m left with another sore arse from the snare of the tourist trap catching my cheeks. I won’t be back again in a hurry, but as the only non-Asian I saw during my entire time there, I suppose it’s something I’ve done that not so many other Lao Wei have.