Random thoughts; soundproof rooms

Please may I have a cup of tea, some eggs, toast and bacon? No, for the greasy spoon is long dead, thanks to the gargantuan, world-changing and pretentious arrogance of Starf*cks. They f*ck you in the arse on pricing, f*ck you in the ear with music and cackling gassing women, f*ck you with eyesores of unbelievable location and then f*ck with your head with an increase in price for remaining sedentary.

Where has my old friend gone; the last bastion of British sustenance, where anyone is welcome with a "darling", and a cuppa costs about what it's worth – some silver British coins. They've all been flattened under the relentless steam roller of corporate cynicism also known as Starbucks, which destroys anything in its path and leaves a pointlessly fancy pastel-coloured decor and ludicrously expensive and ostentatious drinks in its wake.

I just want a cup of sodding tea please. No low fat whipped Donky cream with cinnamon sprinklings and served in a porcelain bone china mug by a smiling automaton. I don’t care for your force-fed marketing lies placed on every conceivable surface reinforcing my belief that anyone working in said industry must be annihilated. I just want some hot water, in a mug, with a teabag and a splash of milk if it's going. What is this menu of fruit infusion, vitamin enhanced, penis lengthening "tea" that I see before me and where is the stuff that is grown by the mega tonne in this region?

It's nowhere to be seen; Starf*cks has forever changed lunchtimes and cafes for the worse. The slogans on cups programme your subconscious in to believing it'll taste good, the ink on the cardboard makes you feel warm about the planet you are saving by giving money to a corporate bottom-line machine. And the marketing people that came up with it all sleep well at night I'm sure of it.

Personally I think anyone in marketing should be taken to a concentration camp, where groups of no less than thirty two people are stuffed in soundproof rooms 3 metres squared and blared advert jingles for 23 hours and 11 minutes of every day. The resulting walking dead can then be recruited to run a new chain of greasy spoons, serving real homemade honest food and drinks that your mum would be proud of.

It's 2.30pm and even in the Ohori Park in Fukuoka (Hakata), there's a Starf*cks. I understand it's a "known quantity", but it's wrong to have one here. It's like Tescos at home; buying up the best land only to ruin it with yet more mass-appealing corporate arse-bashing. Speaking of which "bashi" means "bridge", which makes it all the more annoying when the disgustingly whiny American accented woman says "the neyxt stahp ias Sweedohbahshi bridge" on the train.

Who will join me, let's start a revolution against the Starf*ck fascists and bring back simple drinks with value pricing. Viva la revolution, down with that circular green logo and may they all be vandalised by chavs. I think it's easy, simply contribute a few bottles of White lightning to the cause. Two gets a window smashed, three a window and door, five and you'll have the sign destroyed too.