A poor forgery

The Americans should have left well alone, as should the French for that matter. And visitors that describe it as “laid back” are simply blind to what is in front of them – this is no “Thailand as it was ten years ago”. If I thought that the Thai men were hopeless, nothing could have ever prepared me for Laos – this defies the Oxford English Dictionary as well as any Thesaurus; there is no word to describe their utter unashamed uselessness. Yes, that’s a triple alliteration and I use it for maximum effect.

Being victim of a crime, my sister was surprised by my attitude toward it – she considered it blazé. It had happened, however, and no amount of toy throwing or foot stamping would bring my belongings back. I’d already prepared for the eventuality and also for being added to the list of statistics. More importantly, however, was my retention of my beloved camera, which would have almost certainly caused fluid to gush from my eyes.

I miss my Pad Thais, so I’m glad to be going back to Bangkok’s British Embassy for a passport replacement. I still don’t yet miss Britain, though hearing a British accent on the Bangkok Embassy’s AutoAttendant was strangely relieving. Good food really does keep one’s spirits high; a little like being in the Army – you need to keep your troops well fed, or they simply won’t fight. Here, I pay two to three times the price of anything in Thailand. And it’s all bad – rubbish in fact. The old Communist regime still holds true here, making Cartels for all pricing; there is no such thing as a cheap Laap, they’re all 20,000. They’re also all bland and tasteless – don’t waste your money on the dish, regardless of how much Lonely Planet suggests it. Hotels follow the same practice and bracket their pricing in to five groups; cheap (>50K), budget (>100K), mid-range (>200K), expensive (<400K), and “VIP” (>1M). Bartering isn’t fun here, it’s ruthless and hence being male, I’m arguably better than my sister. Even the tuk tuks charge twice as much per kilometre, and that’s with some serious negotiation.

Laos has been sucker punched squarely in the nose by tourism. Dazed and confused, the falang have been given carté blanche to spread across it and blot the landscape, much like the resulting bruise. It’s no wonder then, that tourism has wrecked the face of the country, much in the same way the US did, when they decided to drop more ordinance than in the entirety of WWII. The mafia here owns and runs everything; from the tuk tuks, to the prepubescent girls that are sold on to Thailand and forced in to the sex trade.

Presently, it’s a country of sullen faces, whose hatred of falang runs deep and long. The pale, white skin reminds them both of their French dictators and their American blanket bombers. Perhaps that’s why the men, women and even children demonstrate laziness orders of magnitude worse than anything I’ve seen before; because they have given up. Stop and ask a local for directions and you’ll see. Like persistence of vision, there’s a delay as they process what you’re asking. Thais will get the gist in an instant and simply point, smiling.
People make no effort here, for anything in fact. It’s like everyone is electricity; taking the shortest path possible and always the one of least resistance. Get near them and they might arc; shocking you with their rudeness.
It’s AC though, so it will repel rather than attract – just walk away. The Thais work hard and learn their trade well – even the most basic street food vendor chopping fruit demonstrates more skill than anyone has done here. Laotians simply can’t be bothered. And it’s a crying shame as it is all wasted potential.

You will, however, find all the things here that Thailand has to offer: Street food, Massage parlours, Restaurants and Bars. Though in all cases I’m reminded of the British Pub; charge as much as possible, giving as little in return as you’re able, using the cheapest produce available. JD Wetherspoons needs to open branches here – for there are no 7-Eleven or Boots franchises to fall back on. It’s all going to give you food poisoning, expensively. Twenty minutes of foot massage for 30K – I can get an hour in Bangkok for half that price. 52K for a burger, without chips – that’s approaching GBK prices in London. 15K for a tasteless meat-free Pad Thai – I’ll get one freshly prepared and stacked for a third of the price, in Khaosan Road. 18K for an hour of internet access, at ISDN speed – I’ll get it faster and for free even in a hostel in Thailand, thanks. Where does all this money go, with an average salary of $50 per month, and who can afford the Nissan Skylines and “pimped” sports cars that I see frequently – it must all go in protection money to the mafia.

From 13 Feb 2010

From 13 Feb 2010

Visiting Vang Vieng, there are signs everywhere pleading foreigners to write to the Laos consulate in order to express feelings toward the drinking, scantily clad, noisy Type IIs that have annihilated this once peaceful area. It’s the only province without a curfew and every local I’ve spoken to considers it a blot on the landscape. It’s a disgrace then that nothing has been done by the government, and equally understandable that falang are constantly targeted by thieves.

From 07 Feb 2010

And so it is that I will be voyaging back to Bangkok shortly, where the people are friendly and the food and accommodation is equitable, smiling faces are available on tap and the excursions are more interesting. What unbelievable contrast these two countries have; this is the black to Thailand’s white. I’m terribly sorry Laos; in all respects and try as you might, you will never be as wondrous a place as Thailand and always, a poor forgery.