Traveller Stereotypes – Type IIs

“Mayt, Iym off too Tylan init.”
“Gonah bee kwalahee Iym tellin yoo.”
“Birdz ote der arh welphit”
“Get propparh phuk tup, yer mayt itswel cheep init.”

A trip to Thailand sounds fantastic to this type of traveller. Revelling in the Red Light Districts, getting ripped off buying overpriced drinks, still cheaper than on their homeshores; Type IIs are the hedonistic topless numpties that contaminate South Thailand.

I really struggle buying clothes here. Every stall caters for either chronically obese Americans or simpletons, and looking around all I can see is Billabong labels. Thais are superb at giving farang what they want. It’s just a shame that much like modern Television, the smallest divider has been catered to the most.
Wearing a thick gold chain around their necks, the males of this type enjoy displaying their dehydrated muscles. They look more defined that way. The females on the other hand, are perfectly happy to float about stalls shopping, like butterflies in an infinitely big field of huge flowers:
“Ahr init pri hee? Doencha fynk Trace’ll luvvit?”
“Oh mah codd! Avv a loykatit! Wot izit?”
“Iy donn believitt! Jusnotrite izit?”

Football seems to be the national sport here, and it is definitely to Thailand’s detriment. I was hoping to get away from football supporters, but am instead flanked on all sides by Type IIs asking who scored the last goal. “Penoreey!” they shout as a whistle blows. “Wreph-oreey!” can also sometimes be heard. The BBC would do well to commission another David Attenborough series to study these creatures; “It’s the wild call of the Chelsea supporter, which having emigrated for the season soon finds and nests in its natural habitat – the Irish Pub”. At 6.4%, Chang is the perfect thirst quencher for the males, whilst the “Very very strong” Gin and Tonics whet the lips of the females.

From 16 Jan 2010

Approaching a Temple and noticing a sign that asks for removal of shoes, the females stall; wondering if their Nike pride and joy will be safe. The males will usually mention something similar to “Whazorlatabaawden?”, as they fail to comprehend differing traditions and customs.

If Type IIs want to follow a formula to a pointless and empty existence, I pray that they do it at home. I’m just afraid that the 100 baht I bet on the prayer isn’t enough for a win.